A long time

It's seems as if it's been a long time and it has. A year since I last wrote. I can go right back to that place in an instance. So much has changed in our lives and yet it still remains difficult. Isn't it supposed to be that way tho? We shouldn't be cushy and comfortable but sometimes I feel discontent. Like the Israelites grumbling in the desert just months after being rescued out of slavery. Will I ever be satisfied? Am I supposed to be? Or am I moving on to the fourth mile?

Longings

Is it so strange to simply want to sit at a window and gaze outside?

To watch my children run, and play, and laugh?

To sip my coffee, and see one of my cats stalk a butterfly?

To hear the goats bleating at each other, or Buddy calling out to the neighbors?

To daydream of what the day may hold? Who will I see? What will I do? Where will I go?

The windows here  are small. they are high. too high for me to see anything but the tops of the trees. even if I could see out, my daydreaming would be cut short by walls. 

I long for more. So much more. For large windows with no walls outside them. 

Thankfulness

Give thanks  to The Lord for He is good

His love endures

forever

What can I be thankful for today? There is so much. So much God has already given me to be thankful for that I should not stop praising Him for the rest of my life.

For saving my life.

for the husband He created, just for me.

for my children in whom I see Jesus everyday.

for the many, many testimonies of His love, His grace,  His mercy, at work in my life.

for the way He made me

me, just the way He wanted. Just the way He planned.

for  the people He continues to place in my life at just the right time.

for always giving my heart a song to sing.

for the Holy Spirit's power

and prayers on my behalf.

for Jesus' advocacy.

for the beauty of creation.

for the promise of heaven.

for His unfailing Word. 

Give thanks to The Lord for He is good,

His love endures 

Forever!

Thankfulness

We can choose to focus on the problems or negativity in our lives or we can focus on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith.

I have made a conscience decision to focus on Christ here in Haiti. I am choosing to silence the beast of my flesh that wants to look at negative things. Each day will hold it's own challanges. It is up to me how I will respond. 

I wrote this in April of last year. 

I need to remember this.

Every

Day!

How easy it is to become distracted. How easy it is to lose focus, to become discouraged, to let seeds of doubt and bitterness set in.

We all do it. That too is something to remember, because for me, the next thing will be guilt and condemnation. Self pity, self loathing. No longer focused on Him, the focus becomes me.

Wisdom?

Years ago I remember thinking about how much I love to write and that some day I would be wise enough to write wonderful, 

spiritual,

deep meaningful

things.

Experience would bring Wisdom.

The older I get, and the more experiences I have, has brought me to one conclusion;

I have a lot to learn about everything. Especially about myself.

I JUST NEED A PLACE WHERE I CAN BE BRUTALLY HONEST

Because if I am being honest. I don't like this...

not one little bit.

I see the pain. I see the poverty.  I see the needs. 

I'm not blind. Even the blind could see it, hear it, smell it, touch it.

But

I'm not doing anything.

I hate it. If I am being honest with you

and

with 

me.

I 

hate

it!

I despise it. I don't want it. I don't want this life living here.

I want to go home.

To a place where I felt that my gifts were being

used.

To a place where my living room was filled with lost souls, searching, reaching, receiving, laughing, and being loved.

I'm trapped.

There is no way out. Just days. Days that are 

lonely and bleed into the next.

Where do we belong?

Does it matter?

I mean
does
it really 
matter?

It feels like it should, but 

isn't it true that this place is not our home? Isn't it true that we are just here temporarily? So why does it matter? Why does it matter to me that I, that we don't feel as if we belong anywhere anymore?

Because it is no longer I but we. She feels it too...

and when your child hurts.

You hurt.

There is no longer the ability to toughen up, suck it up and stick it out and see it through.

Because the answer can only be found on my knees. Asking for strength now not only for myself but for her. And is it so strange that she is feeling the same thing as I am even when she doesn't know how I feel?

Mental challenge.

The most mentally challenging experience I've faced.

When you can't take a walk or just get in your car and go, the feeling of entrapment becomes unbearable. You begin to dream of the life you once had. 

But if we can stay focused on the fact that we are here, right now and live in that moment, we can find peace. I know it's there. Contentment, I believe it to be true. I trust that knowledge. I just pray she can find it. Lord, please help her find it. I pray you use this experience to shape us into instruments for Your glory. Help us to find ourselves the way you created us to be. Help us to see how You are bringing us together as a family like never before and isn't that worth it? Isn't that MORE than worth it?