Where do we belong?

Does it matter?

I mean
does
it really 
matter?

It feels like it should, but 

isn't it true that this place is not our home? Isn't it true that we are just here temporarily? So why does it matter? Why does it matter to me that I, that we don't feel as if we belong anywhere anymore?

Because it is no longer I but we. She feels it too...

and when your child hurts.

You hurt.

There is no longer the ability to toughen up, suck it up and stick it out and see it through.

Because the answer can only be found on my knees. Asking for strength now not only for myself but for her. And is it so strange that she is feeling the same thing as I am even when she doesn't know how I feel?

Mental challenge.

The most mentally challenging experience I've faced.

When you can't take a walk or just get in your car and go, the feeling of entrapment becomes unbearable. You begin to dream of the life you once had. 

But if we can stay focused on the fact that we are here, right now and live in that moment, we can find peace. I know it's there. Contentment, I believe it to be true. I trust that knowledge. I just pray she can find it. Lord, please help her find it. I pray you use this experience to shape us into instruments for Your glory. Help us to find ourselves the way you created us to be. Help us to see how You are bringing us together as a family like never before and isn't that worth it? Isn't that MORE than worth it? 

October 1st

2004

a day I will never forget

God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam 

    and the mountains quake with their surging.

~ Psalm 46:1-3 ~

It was a beautiful, autumn morning, that morning you decided to finally surrender and let go... you let go of your stubbornness, your pride, your fears. You succumbed to peace, to stillness, to His presence.

I will never forget the days leading up to this morning. How in your eyes you were speaking to me and I didn't fully understand until later.  I will never forget the orchestration of God. How He led His people to pray for you. How He even controlled the message on the radio, for that very moment for you to hear about His justice, love, grace, mercy and your precious value in His sight.

 And that night. That last Thursday night, that last night in September. After a night of serious prayer by serious people. We prayed so fervently that His presence never left the entire situation until you were home. And I saw something in you that I had never seen before. That night. That Thursday, that last day in September. It was beautiful. You were beautiful, like a bride awaiting the walk down the aisle. You were ready. You were going home. 

And even the next morning, as we stumbled upon your empty shell His presence was still guiding. helping, prompting, orchestrating. 

 And still to this day, 

The Lord is the same. 

An ever present help in time of need.

Dear Lord,

Sometimes it's hard to live in today, especially for a dreamer like me.

but I know

that I need to

live for today.

So even when the day seems meaningless, help me to see an opportunity in each moment.

Even when there seems to be little hope surrounding me,

help me to remember there is always hope in You.

Even when life makes no sense remind me that each time you allow me to take a breath there is purpose in that moment.

And help me to be thankful...

even in frustration.

Help me to be content...

in times of restlessness.

Help me to use this time of stillness...

to draw ever closer to You.

May I just close my eyes, lie back into Your arms and be still, and quiet and small....

Like a newborn infant at rest in it's mother's arms, swaddled, full, quiet, content. Nothing to fear, not a worry, not a need or a care, just quietly, sweetly content. LOVED. adored. 

Letting it all hang out

I don't know whether to LAUGH, scream, CRY, or hide.
                                      but.....
I....do. think. it's 
time.
to. 
vent.

Sigh...

where to start?                                         where do I begin?       which problem do I vomit out?  or do I just expose them all?

The staff.
XXXX... asks me for money almost daily, like I am an atm that has an endless supply of money that I must acquire freely with my white skin. Yet he never shows up to work on time...ever. Not to mention he is like having a 12yr old boy around that you have to repeat yourself to and still doesn't do what you've asked. We have 69 staff, he's just one example. 
My children.
Have not been outside of the brick walls that surround us since we got here 8. days. ago. and we wont have a team come in for another. 31. days. It breaks my heart. lonely. no friends. no freedom. yet they have kept silent. no complaints. still breaks my heart. 
My church.
Where are you? no encouragement. need to support our missionaries. lesson learned.
The history.
Too many hands have traded place. No commitment. Empty promises. Cause people to beg. expect. and be lazy. 
This place.
Is there hope at Hope House? is there hope for Haiti?  

Here we go again...

Crying at the window once again watching my love take off into the air from the hotel room across from the airport.

Separated again for another 2 months.

We spend our time in Haiti as a family for 3 months and the time flew just like the airplane that I am  now watching my  husband depart in. Taking us far away from one another once again. 

So much I learned over these past months. 

So much about myself, so much about us. Yet so very little about  Haiti. I can't single handily save Haiti, our family can't save Haiti. It's hard to look at such a beautiful country fill with such beautiful people knowing that life there is so hard, life there is uncomfortable, nothing about life there is convenient. Nothing comes easy. I talk to young people with big dreams and a drive to reach those dreams whatever it takes. And I know that with the unemployment rate at 75% many of those dreams will be shattered. And I know that the cost of living vs the money that can be made can quickly crush a person's drive once reality sets in. I ache for them. My whole body aches for them and tears stream down my cheeks and I ask God one more time, "Lord, what can I do?" "What on earth can I possibly do for them?" And yet, that is where God is planting us. And that is where my heart continues to grow. 

I love my husband.

 I say that in a new meaningful way. This experience has done something in me that I thought impossible. I trust and respect my husband. Seems like that's the way things should be huh? Well it wasn't for me. I like to have control and at times I feel that I know best. Yes I know what the Bible says. I've studied all those scriptures and pretended to live in them for a lot of years. Fake it til ya make it! Isn't that a good motto? Well, my husband's obedience to God is what transformed my heart. His obedience while my heart doubted, his heart never wavered. His faith strong, while mine was being tested. We are finally becoming aligned the way God intended us... as  heirs together of the grace of life. I love my husband. 

So where are we now. The kids and I are in NY and Marshall in Haiti until Sept. Then we go back. This time back has been strange. Hard to adjust. I'm sure as years go by it will become stranger and stranger. But I can't predict the future that's for sure. I don't know how long I will be anywhere. Any one of us can be called home at any moment. Live today what today has in store, being watchful and ready. 

But as of right now I have one foot in NY and a whole heart in Haiti. 

I ran to the window tears streaming down my face, to catch one last glimpse of him before he drove away. He was leaving for Haiti in faith knowing this is where God wanted him. I was staying, certain I was still needed here. He was leaving in faith that God would change my heart and I would follow. I was staying, certain I did not feel led to go. I was open to God changing my heart but my heart was so far from Haiti that I was certain, positively certain we would be living apart for the next several years. 

Never did I expect God to work on my heart the way He did.

 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ~ Jeremiah 29:13. 

And yet God is God. With His mercies new every morning and His love and patience that never runs out. His unchanging word is truth and when we are obedient and when we are listening and when we are seeking we will find Him.

 I decided to fast for lent. Immediately God honored my discipline and began to speak to my heart in many ways, day after day. Things became clearer to me, doors began to open, and my heart became broken for the people in this place that I had once convinced myself I would not be returning to.  

I was never not seeking Him during the difficult time in making this life changing, family shifting decision. I have no doubts there. I know where my heart was then and where my heart is now. And I fully believe God needed us to experience what we did for the two months we were apart, to prepare us for what is ahead. But there is something to be said when we deny ourselves daily of basic necessities to seek His will for our lives. 

We are now together in Haiti. 

Do I love it here? Not really if I'm being honest. It's hard to be in a place so unlike the one you've lived your whole life. But remember what I just said about denying ourselves daily to seek His will? I can get used to the heat and the traffic, the population and the pollution and there are beautiful things here and beautiful people that I've already become fond of. 

We can choose to focus on the problems or negativity in our lives or we can focus on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith.

I have made a conscience decision to focus on Christ here in Haiti. I am choosing to silence the beast of my flesh that wants to look at negative things. Each day will hold it's own challanges. It is up to me how I will respond. 

And so on to the third mile...